It takes courage to admit that you are abusing your partner. But if you really want to change, you can. If you feel that you are hurting someone, whether physically or emotionally, you can choose to stop. It can be difficult to change the way we relate to others and to accept that we do not have the right to control those around us.

A healthy relationship is based on mutual respect - no person is in control of the other.

Are you abusive?

Check for these signs:

• do you criticise your partner all the time?
• do you blame them for everything?
• do use their children or pets against them?
• do you prevent them from seeing close friends of family?
• do you think you have the right to control their behaviour?
• do you force them to do something they don’t want to?
• have you used threats to control them?
• have you ever assaulted them, including slapping, punching, kicking, pulling hair, or pinching?
• are they afraid of you?

If you answer yes to any of these signs, then your behaviour is abusive. 

If you do not change, in the long term your family is likely to be very unhappy. Family relationships need to be built upon respect and trust to be happy and, if you are abusive, you risk losing your partner and children. 

Domestic abuse is against the law and abusive behaviour, which includes coercive control, can result in a criminal conviction.

What to do next

Going forward it is important that you: 

• accept you are responsible for the abuse - you cannot blame your partner, stress, drink, drugs, or work
• realise that you have a choice - you can choose to be abusive, and you can choose not to be
• accept your partner has a right to live their own life without being controlled
• accept your partner has a right to privacy
• seek help from professionals - contact the local perpetrator program, or local support groups

Who you can contact for help

Drive

There is help available to learn how to change.

Drive is the local perpetrator program in North Somerset. If you are worried about your behaviour, email Drive at driveadmin-bnssg@cranstoun.org.uk.

Respect

Respect is the national helpline which gives confidential advice to anyone who wants to change their behaviour.

You can phone Respect at 0808 802 4040 or you can visit their website. You could also talk to your GP for local advice and support.